I am tired of your shit.

I do so much for all of you and you treat me like your fucking garbage can. Do you ever want me to hang out with you? No. I never get a call/text/ whatever from you- you are all hanging out and talking to each other. That's fucking fine.

The second you need to go to the damn grocery store or you need a ride here or you need this or that, you are all like "oh hey anne!"

The second you need someone to bitch to or whatever. blah FUCK YOU.

fuck you.

I resolve to resolve absolutely nothing...

Just kidding.

Here are some goals for 2010:

1. Try new things/ Be more open.

2. Spread love

3. Fight with my mom less (oy, vey)

4. Find a church that I like (easier said than done)

5. Be a kick ass Orientation Advisor

6. Have fun

7. Work hard

8. Be happy.

I think three and four will be the hardest on this list.

Though, who knows, they could end up being the easiest.

Here's to 2010!

My Heart Aches...

I don't know how to put this in words that don't make me sound pompous- or like I'm trying to be something I'm not.

For so long in my life, I've only cared about one thing- me.

I am selfish.

But what else is new?

Sure, I cared about other things. My dogs, my best friend, my sister, my dad, my grandma, etc.

But until a certain age, I don't think they ever came before me- myself & I- in the grand scheme of my brain. I tried so hard to pretend to put others first that I didn't even notice it would be easier to actually put them first.

It's said that toddlers are egocentric beings. Apparently, that lasts throughout your teenage years.

It has always been "oh, wah, my mom is awful therefore my life sucks- no one has it worse off than I do, I am the first to go through this- blah blah-" Bullshit. My mom always argued- you know, when I'd get angry with her- that there are worse mothers out there. She's right- yeah, there are crack momma's and women who kill their babies- but she doesn't concede that the emotional scarring she's left on my sister and I could have been avoided if she had only listened.

I am extremely blessed- to the point that it pains me to think that maybe this extreme blessing is taking away from others blessings. I like to think that maybe someday- (maybe even now?)- I give back blessings to others. I think I may still be too selfish.

I used to never cry during movies- I took pride in being so strong. I claimed it was an ability to detach myself from the fictional fantasy depicted on-screen. It used to take a dog dying (or being sent away- like in Air Bud, if you can remember what I'm talking about- it broke my heart) or being hurt in some way in order to make me cry during a film.

Since Winter Break began, I found myself crying at the most unusual things (for me, at least)- usually in movies. Then I watched My Sister's Keeper (which I am still upset that they changed the ending from the book- totally changed the complete tone and message). I found myself crying throughout the entire film (since I knew what was going to happen... made it so much worse) and at one point wishing I could take all the pain this fictitious family was suffering from and just keep it to myself.

To make matters worse, I keep watching sad movies/reading sad books. I keep wanting all that pain they suffer from. I want it, I will carry it, I will hold it in- all for them- I want them to be happy and nothing else.

It's like I can feel my selfishness ebbing away.

I know I'll always be a little bit selfish (which in my head I keep pronouncing as "shellfish"). I still may choose to read a book before I walk my dog or buy something I really don't need (though who is to say I don't need an umpteenth guitar?)- I will always be selfish. That's not the point- I feel myself putting others before myself and it feels good. I need to perfect it, obviously. I'm not 100 percent there. I don't know if I ever will be. And yes, it is mainly through fiction I learned this, but I can feel it applying in real life- I want to help people. I want to not only pull them from their sorrows and carry their burdens, but I want to make them laugh. I want them to laugh until their belly aches. My heart aches for the misguided and upset people in the world.

And this is how I know I will succeed in what I am going to do- counseling.

As for you, my heart aches for you as well. For all this time I've known you, you have been so strong- no matter what you say. You sometimes claim this strength is merely a facade, but be honest with yourself- it takes strength to even put up the strong act. You are the only one I share absolutely everything with- you are truly the only one I trust. I hope you can trust me that way. Please know I love you, and will always be here for you. I may not always know the right words to say (though, I may know the "write words" as I tried to type) but you should know, all I want is for you to be happy. You deserve that. Please, dump your burdens and heart aches on me. I will accept them with open arms and hold them tight as you go enjoy your life as it was created for.

You can do anything. Don't let anyone- especially yourself- convince you otherwise.

I love you.

-Anne

I don't blog much.

But I probably should. I kind of want to remember all of these times- the good and the bad- and look back on them and think "I led a life."

November 20th- 22nd, I led no life. On Friday, I spent the entire afternoon reading/ watching TLC instead of going to a Cartel concert- I could have gone, but I am the most lame college student on the face of the planet, and therefore opted not to go out in the rain.

Instead, that night, I stayed in my dorm room and found out that the University wasn't even going to interview me (which, let's be honest, is my strongest point) to be a Resident Assistant in the dorm next year. Well guess what, fuck you, now I can move off campus.

I'm going to be honest, I cried when I found out. I was having a pity party by myself- thinking about how I have made so few friends here, how much I miss my besties back home, how this must be a bad omen and I won't get OA (orientation advisor) and so on. On Saturday I told myself to buck up, go make friends, but alas, I just stayed in my room and watched True Blood all day.

That Sunday, however, things began to look up. I decided to join a group called Texas SOS (Saving Our Sisters) against domestic violence. It is something that interests me, so I went to this training workshop thing they were holding that morning/afternoon. I met the three co-chairs who were all extremely nice- one of which is an OA herself- and seemed to really like me as I liked them. I met some regular members of the group and the Girl Scout volunteer coordinator. I could really see myself getting quite involved in this group which made me so happy, it was ridiculous. I came home that afternoon refreshed and happy- looking up! I thought, "Maybe I can get OA..." because I had actually identified really well with the girl that is an OA. I thought, "Maybe they want more people like her... and that's kind of like me!"

I didn't sleep well Sunday night, all I could think about were the possibilities- if I got OA, I would automatically have 90 or so new friends... good friends... all here with me at school rather than all at home. I would get to spend most of the summer away from my mother... and I would be really involved in something- my life would have a serious purpose (I am not saying it didn't before, but you know what I mean).

Things were also looking up because I wasn't quite a pathetic loser anymore and found someone to live with next year- something I am still really thankful for.

On Monday night, I didn't sleep well either- waiting for that OA decision. Tough. (Random side note, my neighbors are making crazy sounds, holy shit I hate them sometimes)

At 10 AM- no e-mail, and for an excruciatingly long 25 minutes, I waited for the e-mail from New Student Services.

Then, it came...

NSS: 2010 New Orientation Advisor Decision

The crucial moment:

Dear Applicant,

ohGod,ohGod,ohGod, whatsitgonnasay?

Congratulations! I am pleased to confirm that you have been selected as an Orientation Advisor for the 2010 Summer Orientation program.

YESSSSSS!!!! Nothing is BETTER than that e-mail. There's more to it, of course, but that is the sentence I cared about the most. The first word "congratulations!" I died!

Looking up! Finally.

I am very thankful to God, because he answered my prayers... I prayed and I prayed about OA- and I knew deep down, this was where I needed to be. I can't wait.

Words I never Say

Not edited...

All my life I have been secretive. I'll spill my guts to just about anybody who will listen about my problems, my views, my stories; but there are some things I will never say.

We all have that. Things we'll never tell. I know I'm not special. I'm above average, but I'm not special.

For a long time I thought that not being special meant that I was worthless- not good enough for anybody- that i was, in fact, expendable.

But now I realize just how wrong I have been. Good things happen to ordinary people, too.

You don't have to be extraordinary to be happy.

*******

Someone loves me.

My mom may not have written me love notes in my lunch box but that doesn't mean she loves me any less.

I may not hear the words "I love you," every single day, but I know that somewhere out there- in that big bad world- someone loves me.

And now I know.

That someone isn't necessarily you.

This is the beginning of a story I am working on. I am really enjoying it. Let me know what you think. :D

-Anne

Where am I?

Why do I feel like even though I am gone, no one really misses me?

No. One.

I am a mixture of emotion right now. Like, I love college right now. I LOOOVVVVEEEE my roommate. Seriously, awesome times we are having here (if she's reading this, lololol, sorry for hanging out with you and your friends all the time... yet thank you)

My classes... well... I think I am kind of unhappy. It's only the third day of class- 2nd if you're counting what classes I have been to- and I was already dreading going to math. It's not hard if that is what you're thinking, but... it's not okay either.

I feel so... unintelligent. Like people think I am not smart enough to take the more difficult classes. I feel like I was placed in these classes and they patted me on the head and said "there you go, sweetie, you can handle this."

I hate that.

I like challenges. I want respect.

I feel awful. I'm not excited anymore. I am trying to cover it.

I feel like I'm not making friends.

I feel like my old friends don't even miss me.

I feel like I have no friends.

I am not homesick (okay, I totes miss my dog), I actually love college, but I feel like crying.

I'm unhappy but happy. I am so scared.

But what am I so scared of?

Being alone.

Can you be alone on a campus with thousands upon thousands of students?

I'm finding out that I can be alone even in a room I share.

Will someone please miss me?

please?