My Heart Aches...

I don't know how to put this in words that don't make me sound pompous- or like I'm trying to be something I'm not.

For so long in my life, I've only cared about one thing- me.

I am selfish.

But what else is new?

Sure, I cared about other things. My dogs, my best friend, my sister, my dad, my grandma, etc.

But until a certain age, I don't think they ever came before me- myself & I- in the grand scheme of my brain. I tried so hard to pretend to put others first that I didn't even notice it would be easier to actually put them first.

It's said that toddlers are egocentric beings. Apparently, that lasts throughout your teenage years.

It has always been "oh, wah, my mom is awful therefore my life sucks- no one has it worse off than I do, I am the first to go through this- blah blah-" Bullshit. My mom always argued- you know, when I'd get angry with her- that there are worse mothers out there. She's right- yeah, there are crack momma's and women who kill their babies- but she doesn't concede that the emotional scarring she's left on my sister and I could have been avoided if she had only listened.

I am extremely blessed- to the point that it pains me to think that maybe this extreme blessing is taking away from others blessings. I like to think that maybe someday- (maybe even now?)- I give back blessings to others. I think I may still be too selfish.

I used to never cry during movies- I took pride in being so strong. I claimed it was an ability to detach myself from the fictional fantasy depicted on-screen. It used to take a dog dying (or being sent away- like in Air Bud, if you can remember what I'm talking about- it broke my heart) or being hurt in some way in order to make me cry during a film.

Since Winter Break began, I found myself crying at the most unusual things (for me, at least)- usually in movies. Then I watched My Sister's Keeper (which I am still upset that they changed the ending from the book- totally changed the complete tone and message). I found myself crying throughout the entire film (since I knew what was going to happen... made it so much worse) and at one point wishing I could take all the pain this fictitious family was suffering from and just keep it to myself.

To make matters worse, I keep watching sad movies/reading sad books. I keep wanting all that pain they suffer from. I want it, I will carry it, I will hold it in- all for them- I want them to be happy and nothing else.

It's like I can feel my selfishness ebbing away.

I know I'll always be a little bit selfish (which in my head I keep pronouncing as "shellfish"). I still may choose to read a book before I walk my dog or buy something I really don't need (though who is to say I don't need an umpteenth guitar?)- I will always be selfish. That's not the point- I feel myself putting others before myself and it feels good. I need to perfect it, obviously. I'm not 100 percent there. I don't know if I ever will be. And yes, it is mainly through fiction I learned this, but I can feel it applying in real life- I want to help people. I want to not only pull them from their sorrows and carry their burdens, but I want to make them laugh. I want them to laugh until their belly aches. My heart aches for the misguided and upset people in the world.

And this is how I know I will succeed in what I am going to do- counseling.

As for you, my heart aches for you as well. For all this time I've known you, you have been so strong- no matter what you say. You sometimes claim this strength is merely a facade, but be honest with yourself- it takes strength to even put up the strong act. You are the only one I share absolutely everything with- you are truly the only one I trust. I hope you can trust me that way. Please know I love you, and will always be here for you. I may not always know the right words to say (though, I may know the "write words" as I tried to type) but you should know, all I want is for you to be happy. You deserve that. Please, dump your burdens and heart aches on me. I will accept them with open arms and hold them tight as you go enjoy your life as it was created for.

You can do anything. Don't let anyone- especially yourself- convince you otherwise.

I love you.

-Anne